Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Hoh-ley crap. I felt like I was mildly high and possibly on crack throughout reading this book. This probably didn’t bode too well considering the fact that I began reading it at work. I swear, I worked through the day as well. I just happened to read a bit too… like 200-some pages. If you’re looking for a laugh-your-ass-off and judge-someone-else’s-life book, this is probably what you want to pick up. For real. Let’s explore a few reasons why…

First of all, I just have to say–when half a chapter is devoted to an anecdote revolving around how the author tried to insist on her doctors ‘tearing’ her vagina in a lightning-shaped manner so that she could be cool like Harry Potter…I’m sold. To be clear, this was while she was giving birth. She didn’t randomly go to a doctor and insist her vagina be hacked into a lightning bolt. I was already sold at the start of the book and this is somewhere in the middle. If I wasn’t sold yet, I would’ve been at that instance. This sentence in particular really warmed my heart: “Whenever I have menstrual cramps I could just pretend that Voldemort was close”. Because the scar would be like the warning. Getit? No? Then you’re not worthy of reading this book.

Just kidding.

You can still read it.

But seriously, why haven’t you read Harry Potter??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????

Back to this book now. Jenny Lawson is hilarious, scattered, blunt, and utterly fantastic. A literary masterpiece this is not. A f*cking good time this is indeed. Here are a few of my personal highlights:

  • Anytime dialogue occurs between her and Victor (husband)
  • Voldemort-sensing vagina
  • Dead squirrel hand puppets
  • Hamlet Von Schnitzel, the stuffed mouse dressed in a cape and holding a skull
  • Raccoons dressed in pyjamas (jams)
  • Armadillo racing championships
  • The Great Turkey Shit-off of 1983
  • Mastering the art of asking “Are these your penises?” in the work environment
  • Getting stabbed by chicken (not A chicken, just chicken)
  • Beyonce, the five-foot metal chicken

…and other fun stories that are (for 99% of the time) completely and utterly T.R.U.E. Seriously, I completely believe her because often when I’m telling an unbelievable story I say to my audience “Seriously guys, you can’t make this shit up”. That’s exactly what she says to the readers. So I believe her. Plus, who would want to make up a story about getting their whole arm (shoulder down) stuck in a cow’s vagina and then leaving the turkey baster in there on the way out? That’s right. Nobody.

She is incredibly weird and frankly more socially awkward than my most socially awkward acquaintance (really saying something there) and somehow I like her for it. I don’t like my most socially awkward acquaintance…so you can see the fine line. She has a way of jumping from one train of thought to the next, like a 3-year-old or a potential psychopath, but it’s completely fun and endearing. As you can see, it’s rubbed off on me in this blog post. Not nearly as much, but that’s because I’m wise enough (and cautious enough) to press delete multiple times. On that note, BRAVO to her editor. Seriously.

Like I mentioned earlier, I loved her interactions with Victor. As a couple, they’re so completely insane and opposite without really being opposite.

…when I see another couple, who seem normal and conventional and who aren’t having a loud, recurring argument in the park about whether Jesus was a zombie, I don’t feel envious. I feel contentment and pride as Victor and I pause to share a smug, knowing smile….

This made me think: 1. My boyfriend and I spent most of our weekend in a park on swings and monkey bars. We’re in a long distance relationship so spending our precious visiting hours on that sort of behaviour seems truly special and unique. Also, I climbed into a ladybug thing that was meant for toddlers and instead of pretending he didn’t know me, my boyfriend took a loving picture. After I made him. Note… I absolutely fit into that thing, it just happened to have rain water all over the seat and neither of us wanted me walking around looking like I had peed myself.

That makes us totally fun and un-normal, right? Just to make sure we were as content and proud of ourselves, I decided to secretly test him (ah the woes of a girlfriend who blogs) through iMessage as follows:

Me

Boop

Bop bop

Ding song (meant to be ding Dong….damn autocorrect)

Ping pong

Yolk (meant to be Yolo….damn autocorrect)

Mawahh

Poo.

Boyfriend

…………………………………….

Me

Obviously I’m destined for greatness

Boyfriend

Clearly. Potty brain.

Me

You’re not on my level

*several minutes of awkward text-silence pass*

If I continue to text you on a daily basis with random text noises and wildly literary witticisms beyond your realm of comprehension, will your love for me increase long enough to last through our potential 5-year long distance plan?

Boyfriend

Lol

Me

That was a completely legitimate question

Boyfriend *obviously alarmed that he couldn’t get away with the ‘lol’*

Yes

Me

Attaboy!!!

I mean

WHIPPERSNAPPERDOODLEPIE

monkey monkey underpants

Boyfriend

okay

So he may not be on Victor’s level of weird…or mine. But clearly he accepts my wild literary witticism outbursts and loves me all the same. So now I feel content and proud like Jenny. Thanks Jenny!…for giving me the freedom to bug the hell out of my bf with the excuse that one day I will get published for it 😉

That was a huge sidetrack BUT it was secretly an even bigger plan to test YOU to see if you can deal with this book. Because that is what this book does. Goes on huge tangents (that are way more enjoyable than random texts from me to my boyfriend). If you made it this far, you totally deserve to read the book. Even if you haven’t read Harry Potter. Although that does make you something of a pariah in my personal books.

 

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened         

 

Recommendation Rate           

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7 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

  1. Ahhhhh! I was so excited when I found out Jenny Lawson was writing a book! I know without a doubt I will absolutely love it, but your review makes me want to drop everything else I’m currently reading and start on this one. The problem with trying to get through one’s never-ending TBR pile is that new and exciting books are constantly coming out! But (as usually is the case), I will be bumping this one up the list.

    P.S. I also enjoyed the side-tangent of you and your boyfriend’s texts 😉

    • Haha yay! Immediately after posting, I was gripped with anxiety that people would judge me and hate the post. That’s what happens when you bare the “monkey monkey underpants” side of your soul…

      Also I totally endorse dropping all other books to read this one. You’ll obviously finish it in a ridiculously short amount of time so it’s not even cheating, it’s like being extra productive. You’re welcome.

      • My book-guardian angel must have been looking out for me because today, when I got to work, the “missing” ARC copy of this book was sitting on the table in the back room. And I got to take it home. Cue happy dance! 🙂

        And hate you?? No way! I always enjoy getting to know book-bloggers beyond just the books they read.

  2. I’ve been wanting to read this book since Jen Lancaster talked about it, but I wasn’t too sure. But seeing how it caused you to react, I definitely want to read it now!

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